Chapter One, an Exerpt:

I rather like this part, the ludacristness of it makes me smile.

Since the tender age of 24 Daniel was abducted by aliens from a parallel dimension, for the simple purpose of driving him mad, and thus enabling a large army of them to slip through unnoticed. The idea was that if they were establish a portal at his Montanan farm, nobody would give any notice because the only witness to the massive congregation of strange tentacled beasties forming in his barn would be a crazy Montana sheep farmer. After years of crying wolf and calling 911 to report an alien abduction, who would pay him any attention?

The anal probing alone didn’t bother Daniel. No, actually he rather enjoyed that part. In fact he liked it so much that it broke up his marriage. One night, in the heat of passion, Danny decided to scream out in ecstasy “probe me with yer salad tongs Maggie May!”.

Needless to say, his wife of 3 years found this act rather…odd…to say the least, mostly because her name was Chrissie. She found it even more unconventional when, during preparations for the families Thanksgiving dinner, Daniel grabbed her turkey baster and proceeded to reenact the previous nights abduction in disturbing, erotic detail in front of Aunt Marguerite and Great Granddad Stanley.

Chrissie got the kids, the dog, and the truck, but through a fluke of paperwork, he got the farm, which suited the citizens of Seti Alpha IV just fine as that’s what they wanted in the first place.

However, over 12 years many things change, including the politics of Seti Alpha IV. Their grand leader T’schuagh was ousted in a rather lopsided election, where his political opponent Ch’ulck ran on a strict “No plasmis for Neuyctars” platform of peace and negotiations with nearby dimensions. Ch’ulck’s victory meant that a quick invasion of the nearby dimension that housed a deranged sheep farmer was completely off the table for the time being. No, the age of Ch’ulck would be an age of reason, enlightenment, and back handed dealings in smoky other worldly dimension. Because Neuyctars is Neuyctars, and the economy of Seti Alpah IV lives and breaths off of Neuyctar. Ch’ulck just was smart enough to keep his invasions out of the public eye.

This, came as a complete relief to the governments of our Earth, because trying to cover up a full scale invasion of an army of squid headed death beasts would be a tricky media affair to say the least. Even with their hands full in Iraq, the media could easily get their hands on some second hand footage taken with a cell phone, and before you could say “piss-nugget” Fox News would be on the scene.

No, this was a HUGE relief to the current government. They already had their hands full with a war in Iraq who’s soul purpose was pulling attention away from the meteor the size of Texas that was hurdling towards us at 170,000 miles per hour that NASA had discovered in 2002. Having one last thing to have to worry about trying to cover up would keep the White House quite happy.

But it was quite disheartening for Daniel. Who for 2 years now was waiting patiently for the sweet, sweet tentacle phalanges that he had come to love.
And that’s what really bothered Daniel. After 10 years of sweet, sweet probing, he was now without any release.

Oh sure, there were giant squid, but those are so hard to come by when one lives in Montana. He tried an eel once, but it just wasn’t the same. The squirming felt wonderfully familiar, but the accompanying electrical shock just would not do.